2014-03-02 To S.
2014-03-02
Hi S.,
I don’t know why I write to you again. I have more people that I should write to and reply to in advance. I suppose it is wanting to continue in my comfort zone for a little while longer. Please, I ask you to understand this selfish act which is to use you as the recipient of my thoughts. I do not ask you to forgive me, as you already said that is for Christians, only that you understand me, that you try to learn from all the situations in your life, even from this act of selfishness.
At first guilt and hatred appear, combined with anger and fury. If I steal your time by forcing you to read this letter, you have full right to blame me. Eventually sadness may appear. Sadness caused by seeing a person who needs another to empty themselves, to be able to shape their thinking and be more comfortable with themselves. Pity caused by my lack of independence, by my vulnerability. And finally, you may even appreciate observing the beauty of dependency and the need of other human beings in our ephemeral life. The inherent social character that identifies us. That is, at least, what I am experiencing almost every day. Sometimes consciously and sometimes unconsciously. First, I hate and blame; then I am sorry for the fragility of the other person; and in the end, I thank them for everything I learn thanks to our interaction.
I have the need to write to you because today has been a day that has destabilized much of the calm that I had and that I am winning. I tell you the situation:
A couple of days ago I made the decision to go to northern Europe to study a master in social networks. Today, looking at it on the Internet, I have seen that many deadlines had been passed. I also need a degree in English that I do not have. Last month, you recommended me to do sports in stressful situations. That day I listened to you. But today, running 14 kilometers was not going to be productive or sufficient. Still, I needed to run away. Run away from reality and the world for a while. My coping strategies tend to be seeking social support, in part, that’s why I am writing this letter to you. The bike took me to a friend’s house, which wasn’t there. My cell phone was in my room, so I couldn’t call anyone. Moments later, I was praying to a friend, thinking about the letter I was going to write to him: “Hello Sergio, I’m writing to you today because …” Then the bike took me to a cemetery. I have left Sergio’s time for Sergio, and I have written a letter to the dead. I have apologized for stealing their time and have written addressing them. (If you are interested, I can send you what I have written) This experience has helped me grow a lot in a very short time. Right now, I’m not completely well, but I’m much better. Emptying myself again. So, despite being upsetting you right now, if in the future I will stop receiving responses to my letters from my interlocutors, I could write to the dead again. But I prefer life, I prefer the living. I am learning to adapt, learning to be water.
Today, too, I have solved another dilemma that had been taking up significant space in my head for a long time.
“A handful of rice, once counted, continues to be the same handful of rice.”
We can let science discover the world without destroying it, without fear of annihilating the spontaneity of life. But to count rice you have to be patient and count slowly. Counting too quickly causes failure. The reason the rice started to be counted was the precision of the distribution. But if you try to separate a badly counted rice into two halves, they will no longer be perfect halves. The rush of science leads to atomic bombs and poorly counted rice.
Regarding your letter, I have to tell you that I am incredibly amazed at the great wisdom of your words and your potential as a person and writer. You capture the essence with few words and little information. You go beyond what I mean. Sometimes, even beyond what I had thought myself. You help me a lot to organize my ideas and that’s why also, selfishly, I find myself writing to you again.
I love that you talk about the contradiction. The knowledge that I am discovering these days is the paradoxical one. The contradiction in the contradiction. I think the only truths that exist are lies. From “I only know that I know nothing”, through “The Love and the Death” (Del Val 2011), to “The name that can be defined is not the unchanging name.” (Ta-Kao 1984).
I share your point of view about our communication in the past. I think it was never a quality communication. This deficiency, in part, caused by haste. I am discovering the reward of waiting, of patience. To get out of my comfort zone. From being water, from enjoying any situation, from learning in the desert.
“I thank the desert for teaching me to be thirsty.”
Be close to wise people, like the one who told you that one lovse those who transmit us tranquility. The people who calm and reassure us are the ones who make us feel most comfortable with ourselves. If you feel that your life needs calm, perfect. Look for it, and hopefully find it. On the contrary, right now, I’m looking for learning. Maximum adaptability to any situation. If needed, that I can convey calm even in the worst of situations. If needed, just the opposite. Being water.
“Water is beneficient to all things but does not contend.” (Ta-Kao 1984).
An anecdote as an example. On Friday, I managed to party without talking to a friend, who expressly asked me not to speak to her all night. The problem is that when we are together, we absorb each other. Selfishly, we forget that the rest of the world keeps spinning. It was a fantastic night for both of us, both when we were together and when we were apart. At the end of the night she said goodbye kissing me, adding the value that her kisses possess. “I have them numbered. I don’t even give them to my mother.” I was calm. Drinking water, sitting in the chair. I smiled at her and watched her go. I was enjoying that beautiful moment of emptiness and fullness for a long time. A night of unmeasurable learning. All because she had told me to shut my mouth. I will be eternally grateful to her. From guilt, to grief, to gratitude.
Again, you are right when you talk about forms. It’s not the same. Language is the structure of the mind. It is our working tool (that of psychologists). The forms, the forms. You would be surprised at the care I have been giving to oral communication lately. When I’m calm, I speak better English, I spend a few seconds forming impersonal sentences, I try to say “Thank you” and “You’re welcome”, I remember the proper names (sometimes I don’t believe it myself!). A few days ago, a new idea appeared. Name the countries, cities and people by their original names. Greece happens to be Ελλάδα / Elláda / and Thailandia, ประเทศไทย / pratheidthai /. People appreciate it. It is respect, it is time and it is interest in the person and in their culture. Because Michael is not / michael /, is / maikel /. That is his name, and those are forms. I try to learn “Hello”, “Goodbye”, “Thank you” and “You’re welcome” in the language of my interlocutor. But the vast interculturality of this place makes it difficult to remember so much information. So, you are right, and as a psychological and human being, I consider that we must take care of the forms. Of course, I apologize for stressing you out with my bad manners, but I would also like to pity you for knowing that there are people who have such a hard time learning manners. In the end, you may even be grateful for showing yourself that the world is plural and that people like me can also learn good manners. Guilt, sadness and gratitude.
Thanks for telling me that I deserve to be finding my way. But I think it’s something that had to happen, like everything that has happened to me in this life. Everything has happened to get here today and now. To write this to you. And there is no fault. There is no fault.
“Since there is no contention, there is no blame.” (Ta-Kao 1984).
You are incredible right that I have been searching for a long time. But I think it’s something that I will never finish doing or at least, I never want to finish doing it. The deeper I go, the more I feel like I don’t know myself. The more experiences I have, the more I realize what I have left to learn, and the infinity of past mistakes.
I love that you find your way. I really am pleased. I hope you continue to shape yourself, seeking yourself. There are no costs if nothing is expected, and all are benefits if there is only learning. Filling is possible after emptying. Please keep your characteristic joviality, which makes your face so pentagonally beautiful. Rice, like beauty, even if measured, is still beauty. The difficult and the impossible are forgotten. Once forgotten and with an empty spirit, it is tried. As something new, as something that is not known if it can be done or not. Ignorantly happy, without knowing its difficulties: none, some or extreme. Empty. If at first there is no success: learn and forget again. Always try again and again differently. Because you are, I am, we are, water looking for our way among the stones of the river of life. New water with new stones and new obstacles.
I am pleased to know that you want to finish the degree, that you want time for yourself. As I have already told you, I had a life project for next year and after making the decision everything has fallen apart.17 But everything that has happened has been necessary to learn. Just as it was to lose my phone, although later I recovered it. Now I ask myself again what and how do I want to continue. I have also made the decision to get the English qualification I need, write and study online. Managing the tool, instead of being handled by it. Internet and the computer are very useful if one knows how to use them.
What you now have in your hands is water, which gives you its infinite freshness. It refreshes your skin and cools your spirit. Water is wise. It is renewed and maintains its freshness. The freshness of your hands.
Enjoy the feeling that the water produces. Every moment, every nuance, every water. Savor the differences of the moments. Remember the rain and the loquacious molecules18. Let it rain on you. Fill your hands with water destined to disappear.
Today I read something about time in the Tao Te Ching that may stimulate you. I am writing it to you as a result of your comment on time and haste.
“Meet it, you cannot see its face; Follow it, you cannot see its back.”
I cannot add anything else because I am not sure I have understood even its simplest meaning. I leave everything to you.
I am very glad that my previous letter brought you some happiness. I also want to see you. But, until that happens, many things will change, and will continue to change because the river is sometimes serene, and sometimes not. We are water influenced by the terrain in which we will run. I’m learning not to contain, to empty myself, to control myself, to be happy. Although we are wrong again. Although we love and/or kill each other. (The paradox of love: you can love death and die from love. You can be immortal). But whatever happens, and even if it doesn’t happen, it will be learning, and it will be forgotten. It will be growth. Happens or doesn’t happen. We have to learn from non-existence. If my friend had been at her house today when I went looking for her, I would not have grown so much in such a short time. Maybe not seeing each other is best. I do not know yet. But without doubt, in case of seeing each other, I will try to be empty and new. To fill myself with you and learn from every second with you. Even if it’s just a two-second look. If you are not; I will learn a lot, alone and I may blame you for not being there; then sadden myself for not being able to share with you my moments of happiness; and finally, thank you for teaching me and giving me the wonderful opportunity to grow. And if there is no guilt there is no forgiveness, because there is no responsibility. People teach me, and the only thing my heart produces is gratitude.
At the moment, I don’t know if I can say that I am as well as in the previous letter, or worse, or better. I have grown a lot, but I still do my best to keep growing and feel comfortable with myself again. I am in the middle of a simultaneous explosion and implosion.
To the graduation, in principle if I go. I land on Madrid the 29th and take off from Santander the 6th. I think graduation is May 3rd, I’m not sure. If you say that you don’t care of those things, I am surprised that each day is tomorrow and not yesterday or next year, or the year before. I am losing all notion of time, but if I stop running and chasing the unattainable present, I look back and find sheets of paper, letters, ideas and experiences that I want to share with the world before I go and leave the birds singing.
… And I will leave. And the birds will stay
singing;
and my garden will remain, with its green tree,
and with its white well.
Every afternoon the sky will be blue and placid;
and they will play, as they are playing this afternoon,
the bells of the bell tower.
Those who loved me will die;
and the town will become new every year;
and in the corner, that of my flowery and whitewashed garden.
my spirit will wander, nostalgic …
And I will go away; and I’ll be alone, homeless, treeless
green, without white well,
without blue and placid sky …
And the birds will stay, singing.
Wild poems (1910-1911). Juan Ramón Jiménez. (Jiménez 1970)
Thanks for your time.
A hug
Carlos.
P.S. I would like to know a very absurd detail about your habits, if you continue smoking or not; and why do you continue or stopped doing it.
“The less is needed, the more is enjoyed.”
March 2, 2014
References
Del Val, Fernando. 2011. Orfeo En Nueva York. Difacil.
Ta-Kao, Chu. 1984. “Tao Te Ching.” Routledge.
Jiménez, Juan Ramón. 1970. Tercera Antolojı́a Poética (1898-1953). Vol. 2. Editorial Biblioteca Nueva.