1.6 2020-03-25 To you, reader

2020-03-25

Hello reader,

This lack of focus is just some shit I have not gone through. The people that didn’t answer whether they want me to publish the letters that they sent me once are considered already outside of my life. Publishing their words is the consolidating ritual to interiorize that they are gone. That they are not going to come back.

There is bereavement in understanding as dead those that are still alive. In a solipsistic thinking, I will assume that whoever I don’t experience is subjectively dead. I include technological mediated communication as a form of manifestation of one’s existence. Even including those categories and forms of expression such as a Facebook or WhatsApp message, many people of my past seem irremediably dead. Not my problem, since I remain narcissistically alive.

Luckily for me, I just remember about them when I suffer from loneliness, alienation, and purposelessness. When I share the bed with new or old bodies, I forget about whatever my past was, and whatever my past is not anymore. I focus on the present, doubting about the future.

When I re-read my recent texts, I think I am becoming a better writer, since I tend to dislike those of the past. I used to overcomplicate the simplicity. Nowadays, I oversimplify the complexity. I always lacked from a trustful editor to tell me how to find a golden balance. That golden balance that got me expelled from the Vipassana. It means I am not improving much, just moving from side to side. Sometimes more erratically, sometimes less.

We could picture a wave making peaks and lows. From one extreme to another. Big and high like a radio wave, trying to become a gamma ray, with laser-like precision, without much amplitude modulation. Raising my vibration, in case metaphors still apply to these aspects of life.

Science forgot that humans’ psyches work best with metaphors, stories, and legends. It came to impose its truths, forgetting about the computing power of the hardware it tried to update. The psyche is the hardware in this case. Information such as the size of the universe, and the dual behavior of nanoparticles are too advance for the code that is currently running. It is like trying to mix to computing languages, or like asking an old computer to operate with the newest software. Our psyche is old, old as time, and old as evolution. The new information brought by science is often too much for our minds, and that is why we tend to reject it, or even worse/better, adapt it to our limited psychological structures, so we can use the terminology freely, without big feelings of guilt or remorse. The universe has messages for us.

I have forgotten A. during the third phase of The six phase meditation. I have forgotten her, again. I have also tried to connect with my feelings of love without much success. I have also tried to visualize without falling asleep. And I almost remember how it felt to connect with the divinity when the alarm went off. Thanks to A., I was able to forgot myself. She taught me that not everything is my fault. That many times, it is the evilness of the human being, their lack of love, the origin of the world’s suffering. Nothing to do with me, actually.

Anyway, I am still in February of 2014, and there is a whole 6 years of unpublished texts that are asking for readers. Thus, put your ego aside for a while, and comeback to publish.

Best,

C.F.