1 Jumping forwards. It’s February, 2020

1.1 2020-02-11 To B.

2020-02-11

8.36

Hello B,

I have confirmed my idea that letters are quite useful tools to know my mental state in different moments of the past. Currently, I am writing the story of A., my psycho, and I am using different texts to figure out how troubled my mind was due to her influence, which was quite a bit.

Thus, today, like any other day, it is a good moment to reflect on how my life and my mind is. After all, this is not a YouTube video where I have to say something inspiring or whatever, here I can delve and deepen a bit more in myself. (I think you haven’t written to me yet, by the way. Your problem, not mine).

So, I wake up about 20 minutes ago in the office. I stayed here last night because I was editing my 24 hours of social media experiment, and undoubtedly, it is better to do it with the bigger screen at the office and the laptop, than just with the laptop at home. Also, I wasn’t really sleepy because I had drunk some coffee with soya milk, but I lied down with the 25-minutes power nap and light off because my eyes and brain were tired of looking at the screen all day. However, as it happens pretty much always, 25 min ended, and then I put 35, that became 1hour 30, that blablabla, suddenly I don’t care about my life anymore and I woke up on the floor when my most diligent colleagues are already in their offices.

And for the record, that is my face after waking up in the office:

This is my life, as I told you in the Facebook conversation. Getting entertained with work, close to becoming an addict, and fighting my express depressions with whatever I can find. I have been recently in probably my worst period in Brussels. I was giving so many fucks that I wasn’t taking care of myself the minimum amount, not even the least. For example, Saturday, after struggling with leaving home, I finally went to a café, making myself believe that I was going to work there, but in the last minute changed my plan, got into a bus, and read about the ills of civilization (Civilized to Death by Christopher Ryan). After an hour of public transport reading, I entered the café, write a half-page about my inability to carrying on with my life, and then struggle to put my brain in order again.

I have been masturbating more than ever, systematically skipping exercise, using meditation to fight back my thoughts and my loneliness, sporadically indulging in junk food and overeating sugar, spending almost full days in my bed, tapping the phone and reopening social media apps like a Pavlovian dog craving dopamine. Just because I have ADHD and this highly positive nature, it couldn’t score clinically as a major depressive episode. I see a friendly colleague, and my social needs are supplied for the day. I exercise 15 minutes in the morning, and I felt that the morning was a success. I am able to write some pages about my story with A., and I have a feeling of accomplishment. Really, my standards have been lowered to unsuspected levels. I am in such deep shit, that taking one hand out of it and feeling the air on my palm feels as if I were clean.

I really need to go; I really need to disconnect from all this. I have been highly intoxicated by society, by life, by loneliness, by civilization. It may have been my fault, but I like to think that I have fucking tried. I have tried to find meaningful and not so meaningful relationships, but this city and this system feed by business, fluidity, and fear systematically distanced me from the people I loved, and avoid those that I could love, to even want to meet me. Numbers and statistics point out that I am not alone in my aloneness. Loneliness is an epidemic. Thanks to Ryan’s books (Sex at dawn and Civilized to death), I am entering in contact again with my bullied human nature. Air, water, food, and people. That’s all. People are highly necessary for my life, and I have lived without them. Spirituality and positive psychology are being swallowed by the system to become tools and mechanisms of keeping individuals inside the workings and gears of this machine. It is obvious that any type of consumption, from sugary and salty foods to entertainment in the form of series, movies, or music are strategies for keeping people distracted from their human lacks. This idea is not new, and I think I was already 16 when I was able to observe this reality. However, now it has become much more subtle and surreptitious, but much more obvious in my case. Things apparently well-intentioned, like meditation, positive thinking, and gratitude are being artificialized and used by the system to make us function in hostile environments. I thought about it when I was on the bike. The idea of keeping a gratitude journal is quite artificial. It is undeniable that it works, because in my case when I have practiced it, I was functioning better, and I could clearly observe the changes in my mood when I was skipping it. However, the fact that seems necessary to keep a gratitude journal with three to five situations or episodes a day would seem utterly ridiculous to a hunter-gatherer sapiens swallowed by a continuous life of social interactions of interdependence.

Similarly, with the idea of keeping positive thoughts, hope and optimism have been hijacked. The purpose of positive emotions is working extra hours in order to become successful, open your own business and make money. I mean, money for what? For realizing that you have become socially isolated after years of trading your hours of friendship into meaningless work?. It is a very dangerous cyclical process because once you are isolated, the only meaningful thing to keep you going is working more. I have experienced it myself. After the second time I have masturbated that day, and after five unfinished YouTube videos because none of them is rewarding enough the effort of sustaining my attention for 7 minutes, and the sleepiness insomnia of the thirds siesta, the pointless of going to the street to go nowhere, and the twentieth time of opening and closing the same three apps (WA, FB, IG) without getting any new messages; indeed, the best thing to do with one’s life is doing something pseudo-productive.

From time to time, with an encouraging message of any of my friends, I am able to put my shit together, and order my room, have a shower, and go dancing, or work in a standby project. But that is the thing of my brain, and the trap I am protecting myself from falling. It is so easy to self-punished myself, to think that I am making the wrong decision, because here I have the time and the space of working on myself, on stretching every day in my room, of training there, of working on my writing and video projects here in the office, while I am getting paid this high salary for doing a job that takes me one morning a week. And still, I haven’t been able to do it. I need people, I need people and I want to write it because this night while lying on the floor of my office I through that I may regret having left once I am in Zambia and things are not going as good as I expected. I need people. And here, I haven’t had people.

And this loneliness is dangerous. It is dangerous because it has made me highly vulnerable. Highly vulnerable to attacks from people like A., that could have deeply and seriously fucked up my life, not only economically and socially, but also morally and legally. Loneliness is an individual problem as much as a public one. Lonely people are those that become lone-wolf terrorists, mass shooters, psychopaths, rapists, abusers. Loneliness and disconnection are the germs, the seed of evil. I cannot buy Peterson’s idea here about individual responsibility when he speaks about mass shooters that hate humankind. Obviously, not all individuals that feel utterly lonely and disconnected from everyone become murderers, but, then, what is the individual responsibility suggested by Peterson? Suicide? Take your shit together and finish your existence.

It is clear that it could be something like, go out more, reach out colleagues and previous relationships, and all that. But I would agree with Zizek, Owen Jones, and Ryan on this, and I think it is a by-product of capitalistic, consumeristic society. It is something structural. It is civilization itself. Thus, it is basically my human nature revealing against civilization. I like my case because I think that it is very exemplary. I have more than what many people wish to reach, and I am going to leave it for a fundamental basic human need that is unmet. People can call me crazy, but I dare to say that the crazy would be them if they wouldn’t act like me in my situation. Leaving is the healthiest option at the moment. It’s the most caring one. It is the most adaptive. The surviving one. Buying that capitalistic lie of the system about keep on fighting, keep the struggle going on, keep on sacrificing yourself and your wellbeing for some time, because the reward is around the corner. If you just keep working one, two, three years more, you’ll have 70 thousand euros, and a qualification as a Ph.D., and… so what? If I have to spend three years in this situation just for money and a qualification, it would be difficult to say what would be necessary to happen afterward to make it worthwhile.

As I told my friend J. the other day: “The only way of having survived this type of life would have been taking pills every day and becoming a work addict”. And I am already taking pills, each time more often, and little by little becoming a work addict. On the other hand, when I work in things that I feel as meaningful, (like this letter or the video of yesterday), I can use all the power of my ADHD and keep on writing for already 40 minutes straight or editing for about 3 hours non-stop. On the other hand, with a project that doesn’t relate to me, I am unable to go out the bed, drag myself to work, and sit on the desk. Pills help, definitely. But, in my case, I am not sure how justifiable they are.

Living with some of my friends, agreeing and committing to some working routines, some daily rituals, keeping track of each other, and investing our time, energy, resources and effort on meaningful projects, would make the pills highly unnecessary. But in this case, I have had to take them to fight back my chronic procrastination.

I was trapped in the pattern of postponing the activities and work that I wanted to do because I had obligations to prioritize and that I was procrastinating, to end up doing my obligations at the last minute, to repeat the cycle again without ever finding the time for my meaningful tasks. Now, that I left this job and this house, all I have in front of me is time for my meaningful endeavors. And that is what I am doing. (This letter is part of it).

Thus, it is true that the doubts pop up from time to time, but each time they are smaller. I am just suffering from the chronic impatience that annoys me with wanting to leave this hell of loneliness and disconnection as soon as possible. Otherwise, looking forward to my future. Looking forward with a feeling of calm, confidence, and security that things are going to be wonderful that makes me question what is actually going on in my head and my life.

Using a more woo-woo language looks like I am learning a lesson from the universe where I am prioritizing love over personal achievements in my life. The universe brought me A., maybe as a warning of what can look like love but is not, and then pushed me a bit more towards a life that is in coherence with my self and my values. The same universe and my life brought me M. and C. back in 2015, and here I am in 2020, going towards them to build a life that I feel I want to live.

As I said when I spoke about my landlord in Brussels, I want to live a life with high, big fears. He, having few houses, a highly paying job, and whose family is composed almost completely by a moribund dog, warned me at the beginning of my time in Brussels that, “one day, you are just crossing Rue Defazq, and then a car comes, run you over, and you are done.” Well, he is right. But, fuck, have bigger fears in your life, man, have fucking bigger fears. I don’t give a fuck whether a car can run me down on the perpendicular street from where I live. I don’t give a fuck. I cannot live with such a shitty little fear. I simply cannot. Sunday, I feared that once my community is built, and the temple is working, Zambia is invaded by the Chinese army, and the soldiers took away from us all we have built, that is what I fear. I also fear that I make a huge community of followers that trust my advice and listen to my words, to find out that a psychopath has brainwashed me to commit a massive suicide. Those are my fears. But a car in Rue Defazq, please.

I also fear to die without having reached my potential. I also fear living while my projects and ideas die within me. I also fear to die without having written all the words I am here to spread. I fear to die without becoming a performer and having materialized my works of art. I also fear to die alone. I fear many things, things that I was experiencing these years in Brussels. I know that my ADHD will never let me feel completely fulfilled and that sensation of underachievement will always be over me, but at least, I will enjoy my days and my productions with the company of the people I love, not in the miseries of solitude.

One of the quotes that struck me the most, that resonated and stuck to my brain, was that one of Sartre, existentialist, that could fight back the absurdism of his contemporaries:

[I have spent about 15 minutes trying to find the quote unsuccessfully, so I will write it by hearth. If a future reader knows which one I mean, they can correct me. In the original quote, Sartre (or another author, I am already doubting), manifests that he faces death with calm and tranquility, because when the Death comes to take him, it will only take his empty body, because all that he has to said was said and written.]

“I face death with tranquility because when it came for me, it will only find an empty case. All the ideas, the words, the thoughts, the soul, it won’t take it. I will leave in peace knowing that all that was worthy was left in my writings.” (Sort of, Carlito Fluito’s memory)

That is the goal in life.

A quotation with an approximate message I have been able to find is this one.

One is still what one is going to cease to be and already what one is going to become. One lives one’s death, one dies one’s life.

I feel like reading some serious philosophy now. Maybe I am ready for understanding it. I wouldn’t mind if I weren’t as delayed as I am with so many other personal projects. Who knows…? Maybe in the future. I don’t want Death to come and take me with my words and my life inside of me because I was reading too much philosophy. I have tons to write.

So, this is it, B. I feel it as a meaningful job to spend an hour writing to you, understanding my brain, my mind, my psyche, my soul a bit better, and digesting this huge life change that sometimes I don’t fully believe because I am experiencing it without any type of fear or regret so far. Doubts are there, it is true, but once I took the decision, looks like everything is being just an easy, downhill process.

I am going to eat, then correct this letter, then send it. Then work a bit on A.’s text. I have one or two things to finish for my advisor before I leave, but, as I like to say to myself, from time to time when I see there is nothing scheduled on the calendar: “Today is a holiday”.

2020-02-12

11.26

Hi again B,

Just so you have a taste of my ADHD, I am writing again on the next day without having corrected the letter. The reason, more than the ADHD, is loneliness. I got distracted with a colleague that was going home because she is sick, so I decided to go with her, grab a box for packing my stuff at her place, and then, go home, do the garden, take a nap, read, social media interactions all along, food, call a friend, and procrastinate the whole evening your letter and A.’s text. If I would have had a physical friend telling me to write, I would have done it. If I would have lived a life of abundant high-quality physical interactions with meaningful people, I would set up myself straight and start working. But no, surprise, surprise. I am so love deprived at this moment of my life, that I would take any opportunity to interact, reject many of them that don’t seem promising, and distract myself with social media, books, food, and audiovisual entertainment to avoid accomplishing my duties. My sickness is loneliness, more than ADHD. And, as I hope it has been cleared already, loneliness comes from civilization a.k.a. the system.

“The most important ingredient of life is love”

The quote on the paper of the Choco Yogi tea given by a colleague minutes ago that I am drinking right now.

The book Civilized to death is making a huge impact on my being. Sometimes, I have an idea, and a few pages later that idea is developed or pointed out in the book. It has been really glad to receive the answer of the author on Instagram. It has felt as if I was already becoming relevant enough to maintain conversations with that realm of people: thinkers that think their thoughts are worthy and valuable enough to be seriously spread in a high-quality format. The best I have so far are these letters and the few unfinished works on my website. But it’s coming. I feel it’s coming each time more and more clear.

I have a friend that wrote me this morning a message that he was visualizing us working together in dance creations and workshop in the near future. I received also a message from C., one of the sisters waiting for me in Lusaka that is worthwhile preserving. First, the one I sent to her, then her answer.

C., I’m talking a lot with M. [her sister] these days, but I know you know that I remember and love you both and E. baby [her daughter].

I just remembered that day we discussed about you telling that you would end up taking Esther and going to live to the “bushes”. It’s funny how I disagreed with you but how now I’m the one that needs it the most, and it seems that I’m ending up bringing you two to the bushes with me. Life is full of lessons.

We laugh sometimes at each other’s crazy ideas, but I want to let you know that you are also a genius extremely brilliant wise and creative mind. You are super highly socially skillfully and intelligent with people and that’s is a very important and valuable characteristic in a person.

I love you a lot C.!!! Keep it up! Keep on building a huge network in Lusaka, Zambia and southern Africa (with the street mafia and political personages) because great times are about to come…

All my love to you, E., M., your brother, the kids, E., and all-around your life.

At your feet, C. Humbled by your lessons. ♥️♥

Her answer:

You, I don’t know what to say but I feel very confident hearing all this from you… I am humbled… And you are right about my insecurities within… I have learned so much from you and there is no one I have learned and loved to work with more than you, I mean that…

We have so much fun, discussing, working and building at the same time, time flew… I can’t wait to work with you again, I know/knew from the first time we worked together we would do something special…I think we grew together and what I lacked you had vs …

I love you Carlos and are forever my true brother…

My answer to her answer:

I just talked with a friend and told him how on point you are when you said “Bro, you are an alien there” (in the phone call of two months ago) and “You seemed like a a genius that was about to lose it” (referring to the Instagram stories of the another day). Only with a sentence, you prove your wisdom. Looking forward!!!

You see, B. I told Br. yesterday that it is not a utopia to have and expect this type of love and relationships in our lives. It is actually human nature. Reflecting on myself, I have been always quite an unsatisfied pal, but that is the lack I have felt in my human nature. I refuse to live a love deprived life. I seek to reach a level of love and trust with about 150 people that is comparable with the one expressed by and to C. with these simple messages. And, obviously, I refuse to accept a life where I have to conform to exchange some messages and phone conversations to fulfill my social needs, I want to live in a place sharing my food, roof, activities, education, and purpose with these people. That is why I am leaving to Zambia. That is why I am leaving this job and this house. I have changed the hierarchy of values in my life, and I am prioritizing love. A few minutes ago, a colleague answered the comment of the Yogi Tea quote saying that he thought the water was the most important ingredient in life. Well, I told him, love is probably at the same level of need as water. Actually, I thought that those four needs that I wrote back in 2014 (air, water, food, people) were hierarchical. The famous threes, three minutes without breathing, (three hours in extreme temperatures, cold or heat), three days without water, three weeks without food. Three months without people?. I am not counting sleep deprivation because that is something any being that is not a tortured rat in a lab can do anywhere as much as they need. Thus, air, water, food, and people are those external dependencies that human begins have. But people are indeed relegated as something relatively unimportant in these hierarchies of urgency (the rule of threes). However, I am fed up with all that. I am placing people and love in my life at the same level as oxygen, water, or nutrients. I refuse to accept a life without people.

Knowing and acknowledging my unsatisfactory nature, I refuse to have a single monogamous romantic partner, a nuclear family of 3 to 5 relatives, or a bunch of good friends in the distance. I don’t need a whole community for surviving, but I need it for thriving. That is the positive psychology movement. We can put aside survival instincts and needs, and we can focus on thriving tendencies, and activities. Thus, I want a community to belong to. I want a community where I can maintain and nourish love relationships to the level of C. and me, with all the members of the community, no matter age, gender, skills, occupation, ideology or whatever. I want to love and be loved. I need it.

I am already envisioning and imagining my life in this community of digital horticulturalists. Working and earning money with an online business, while living as independently as possible from the system with our own rules, sources of food, educative systems, and personalized occupations. One of the main lessons I have learned reading this book is that I cannot save the whole planet, but I can save my community and serve as an example to others to go and build their own communities. I am already thinking about writing a sort of “constitution” with the rules and functioning of the community. Thus, if new people want to join, they can know what to expect. Obviously, we will need someone that is versed on digital marketing, and I personally will need some intellectual discussions for developing my ideas. Just saying.

Answering your Facebook comments. (Again, realizing that we talk a lot on Facebook, and not enough on letters…)

First of all, thanks for your support and your presence in my life B. You are one of those people that believe in me today when I am still picking up dog shit in my landlord’s patio. I thought about it yesterday. No matter where I reach in life, the people that are believing in me now, are highly valuable social connections to keep into my future. Thus, I keep on saying and repeating to you that you will end up in my community, reading, chilling, writing, improving our SEO, or gardening. Whatever you feel up at a given moment.

You say that you are not brave enough to do the changes I am doing, but maybe it is just that you lack the right circumstances. That is why I told you that I am paving the way, so it is easier for others to follow. If I offer you a place to live where I guarantee that I can cover your basic needs in exchange of some work and that I will help you accomplish whatever is your purpose in life, I guess you would be brave enough to live your current situation and come to decide your future and buy your freedom. I don’t want to sound as a sect, or guru, because seats are limited since Sapiens groups split over 150 people. I am choosing nature as guidance, and I will keep its limits as well.

Yes, this is the face that people don’t see. The one I have when I feel miserable and lonely. The one that not even the person I am sharing my miseries with can see because when I am communicating my pains, I am already with another being, so my suffering is lower. When I am alone, it is when I suffer. That is the face of my suffering.

Yes, I am writing a book not to A., but about A.. She has been a really important person of my life, the one that has connected me with parts of my nature and being that I was neglecting, that has shown me parts of human existence that I was completely ignorant of, that has altered my scale of values, and the one that has made me live an experience enlightening enough to motivate me to actually write and publish a book about it. A. is the next level of poetry in my life, my destructor, and my constructor. The need for destroying my past to construct a brighter future.

I won’t dedicate a book to you (yet), but, as you know, I am up to co-author one whenever you feel ready. It would have been good to talk with you on Saturday, but life… Life and civilization. Luckily, I found online the Dutch girl, N., that motivated me enough to go dancing.

About finishing my Ph.D., I think I have been clear about it. I feel it is slowing me down intellectually and professionally, apart from isolating me socially. The only thing was money, and money has changed its value since I don’t need it so pressingly anymore. I wouldn’t have minded a couple of months more, but two years and a half, it’s way too much. And that is a lot, especially for someone that wants to work as a dancer and its already 27. I don’t give a fuck about people respecting me or thinking that I am smarter or more worthy of their attention just for being a Ph.D. and have published some academic papers. I am free of that already, B. I will earn my respect and value in other ways.

About being chained in your head, you can be as chained as you have time and opportunities of spending time alone. If being in your head is painful and complicated, then, you can write or talk to put part of your head outside of your head. However, if you don’t write because of procrastination or lack of time because you have to work, and you don’t talk because you don’t have access to a person with whom you may feel understood, then, you are indeed pretty fucked, stuck in your head. (a.k.a. write me a letter).

The system may follow me, but the key aspect is that I can become as independent from it as possible, more skillful in how I want to use/parasite/benefit from it; and that is tamed and under control. I have decided to stop being used by the system, to start using it. To my pleasures and whims. That is the freedom I am talking about. I am aware of the value of money and some of the commodities of the system. I am also aware of the opportunities. That is why, if I can have a business online, I can use the money to pay for those aspects that I am still dependent on the system, like advanced western medicine, high-technological devices and tools like smartphones and airplanes, or water treatment tablets. However, let’s see how far and independent a community of 150 people with access to the internet, few computers, and a 3D printer can get.

About your ADHD, the same story. The sooner you read/learn about it, the better you will start functioning. You are treating yourself with nature, so keep it going. Your present and future relationships can also get improved by you learning about the neurotype.

About nuclear energy, I don’t agree. I think it is more important to reshape human needs and adjust them to renewable, decentralized sources of energy. Living in self-sufficient communities fed by solar power, for example. For bigger projects and needs (hospitals, factories, airplanes), that is out of my professional domain, but maybe a bio combustible (if renewables are not enough) could be okay. Also, nuclear fusion seems quite promising, although it wouldn’t make us change our devastating habits, which I think is a more important issue at this point of planetary resources. So, you ask me today, and I answer in this primitivistic, regressive sense. Fewer needs and sustainable energies.

Just so you know I am not kidding or daydreaming with all that, we (the sisters in Zambia and me) are already checking lands, locations, and prices. This is coming, B. It is coming soon. So, even if you split with M., make yourself a favor and don’t suicide. Your life will become much better just by taking some decisions and making some changes.

Thanks for the compliment about my singlehood. I managed to stay singles because of the overall fear of people in our society, especially women. I know few women that see a good looking, healthy and fit guy in a public space and dare to start talking with him. I also know few women that don’t feel scared if the guy is too straight-forward, weird and it is difficult to understand what he is talking about. I knew few women that dare to transform their ignorance into curiosity when meeting someone new that seems to be knowledgeable about different topics. Much in accord with what a friend of a friend told me once: “I am looking for a woman that has no fears.” In my case, I found one. Her name? A.. After the experience, I am warier if the woman I am meeting has no fears. However, indeed, I am looking for a brave woman. As it is reflected in my answer to C. above, she said that I am “an alien” in this society. In that same conversation, they (C. and M.) mentioned that they had met a girl in Zambia that was like me but in a female version. That was another indicator that my loneliness, as well as my lack of a romantic partner, is probably not originated by lacks and faults in my character, but by the inhabitants of this sickening environment. I don’t have anything against them but understand me when I am having trouble finding people I can connect with here.

Indeed, with a girl, or a small group of friends, I wouldn’t have been so miserable, and I would have been able to finish my Ph.D., saving more money, and who knows if even having developed a more “standard” life. But using some woo-woo talking, the wisdom of the universe wanted me to experience what I have the experience to keep this lesson for my life and spread it unto others.

I told you that I am a tiring asshole, and still, I think I am. That is why, I feel I need a whole community because if I only have one romantic partner and two or three friends, I can easily drain them all in one bad evening. My family was witness and sufferer of that during my last Christmas when I arrived ready to challenge all their beliefs and undo our subtle catholic indoctrination. My father couldn’t admit that I had ADHD but couldn’t deny that I had been arguing for more than 20 hours in two days, and I was ready to keep it going.

Indeed, many of the people here dream of and aim of feeding the system. My goals are escaping from it and change it. So, you can see the differences in priorities. I may have been unlucky or not perseverant enough, and indeed there are wonderful people here with whom I could have been connected, but it is too late for bothering myself with that. I don’t care anymore; I have taken my decision and that is all it matters to me now.

You mention:

But through feeding the system, they/we feed ourselves. But it is like a really harsh taxing system - you get something, but you have to pay a lot for it. I think dating you and having a good time would consume less energy than breastfeeding this sick system.

Check the book, the second title is “The price of progress”. So, you get the idea. Whether dating/living/working with me is more or less consuming than living in this system is something people have to experience themselves. I welcome them if they want to try. The case you mentioned of the couple with the kid and the mortgage for 35 years is not news. God bless them, victims of the system.

But not enough time for connections in general. I see it all around me, I do it also.

My friend J., which we both love each other and like to spend time together is currently in Amsterdam, a 3 hours bus-trip away from me. I offer him a visit, but he told me he is busy, he has to work, and that there won’t be enough time. Thus, the system sacrificing a social relationship. A very weak example after reading this morning about single mothers in the US that have two jobs to cope with their toddler expenses.

But if I want to keep myself away from insanity, I need to stay away from TOO MUCH contacts

It depends on the quality of your contacts.

Look, you even wrote half a page with two Facebook messages. Image how many could you write if you focus

For example, and I know that you don’t like typing and Facebook but I will write it anyway, I know that I am doing a favor to the system by not having contact with anyone except for M and couple of close friends but man… I need to stay focused and I am already struggling with finding a new job, learning digital marketing, reading for the bookstore so I can write the blog, learning this, that… sometimes I don’t have time to sit in front of the computer, play a videogame and drink beer. It is fucked up and I know it is me and my time and my planning, and maybe I shouldn’t drink beer, yes, but hell… it feels good in the evening after the whole day of office sitting and listening to the online digital marketing course. But I am still running every day after work, I am back to this routine and it keeps me going. But to be honest, your ADHD diagnosis for me sometimes feels right, mostly when I see that I need so much more moving in my life (that’s why I like hiking and running - maybe from my kinda chubbiness someone wouldn’t tell, but running is good for me, it keeps my energy in check. Instead of being tired and napping after work, I jump around the apartment and sing and annoy M… sometimes I think M. cannot stand to see me happy wahahahahahahahah

Lovely how you describe the self-poisoning as the toll of civilization and loneliness. Your willingness to drink beer and playing video games will likely fade away if you had few friends to play with after “working” on something meaningful. Maybe it would be just a way of clearing out your brain of intellectual work, and balance it with some much-needed exercise. We live isolated and in a really badly designed environment. Your chubbiness can be your genetics, accumulated bad dietary habits, lack of exercise, or many other things. All of that could be easily reversed in the right environment and with the proper habits. Obviously, sustaining healthy habits is a much more enjoyable and easier task when surrounded by supportive people. Looks like fasting is quite good for longevity and overall long-term health. But who is going to avoid indulging in some sugary food after a day of lonely work at the office? After all, we all need our sources of serotonin… If we could put more meaningful relationships in our lives, we could easily cut off poisoning sources of shallow and damaging pleasures in our lives. Just saying. I am confident I could gather the data with a bit of research. Not in the mood, right now, though.

I made a small list today waiting for the train, so I will use it. M., as well as most of us, civilized apes, is very likely to be deprived of love/sex/sleep/nourishing foods/fun/free time/nature/fresh air/clean water/meaningful social connections/creative opportunities/social support/loving education. On the other hand, she (as well as us) is likely to have too much food/clothes/commodities/responsibilities/sources of stress/cleanliness/pathogens/material things/information on her life. Compassion to her and all of us that have to bear all these lacks and loads in our current lives. Referring to what I mentioned in our conversation. I used to rationalize my disdain and disgust towards people that had a community. I used to say that they were pack animals, lacking identity, self-reflection, and individuality to recognize their own selves. I always found them too sheep. However, now, I am realizing that these feelings of unease and annoyance were probably a defense mechanism of my psyche originated from my own social lacks. That feelings of belonging to a community that I never had. Something similar happens when I see forever happy couples on Facebook pictures. Thus, I can understand how hurtful can it be for someone that hasn’t had a proper social life, either in the familiar, romantic couple, or community level, to see other thrives. It is that subconscious negative feeling, that destructive jealousy that doesn’t seek to have what the other have, but to destroy what one lacks. I guess A. could relate to this.

About many of the other problems that are present in current societies, lack of a community and exclusive monogamic relationships of emotional dependence are two of the main reasons. Mothers and mothers-in-law would be happy about each other in a community of uncertain paternity. First, you don’t know who your mother in law is actually. Second, all potential grandmothers are mothers-in-law, so you would have to either be in bad terms with a fourth of the community or be loved by all of them. Also, when two people have had enough of each other, they usually need some time and some distance from each other to reflect on the situation with perspective. That perspective is given by a third person that you can share your mind with, that can advise you and recommend you what is best for both. Thus, isolating oneself with one romantic partner seems to me a doomed recipe.

As I mentioned, the moment now is to connect those alone individuals that are fed up with fighting with their sickening immediate environments, that have realized that this civilization is unsustainable and that are willing to withdraw from the luxuries of materialism in order to connect deeper with their nature as Sapiens. Those people that, once living at peace in their community, would feel the necessity of spreading the message to all those that are still trapped by the system, in order to explain to them how to get out of it and build their own community. I don’t think it is that difficult. And if it is, I will figure it out soon. Thus, find me some “enlightened” that are willing to collaborate on saving themselves and then spread the message to the rest of humankind.

I don’t think I am turning “normal”. I hope I am just becoming more “human”, more in line with my real and true nature as homo sapiens. I am glad you become a more “human” loving being after you can connect and express yourself with me. It is a pretty “normal” consequence, though.

Finally, here it is the already spoiled closing. I don’t love and hate you. I love you. And I would love to witness how you tackle your full potential. Although, much like me, I guess that you need many people around to reach that stage of existence and levels of performance. I will be waiting.

Best of loves,

Carlos

PS. Start fucking writing.